January 11, 2010

Your Will, O Lord

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2)

I find myself wondering how I can spend time each morning in the Word and writing about balance, and peace and God's power, and then feel wretched by the end of each day again. I suppose a part of it must be that I can't learn and digest new teachings in such a short period of time. But I do wonder if some of this isn't an outright attack. I've never fasted sleep before, and I've realized that if I fast sleep, I can't really fast anything else. I've never wanted meat so much as I do now. So I have completely stopped the food part of my fast, at least for now. I don't feel guilty about it, though, because it seems I have to put so much energy into going to work and keeping up with my writing that I have a constant need for protien, a much greater need thatn I had before the fast started.

Perhaps you would think that a failing, that I should be able to keep on with the fast, and it would launch me to greater levels of spirituality. Perhaps. But all I know is that despite the fact that I do remind myself over and over that God can handle this, all I know is I am exhausted and I want to quit my job. At this point, I will eat if it means I have the energy to get through the day. Because, you see, I do think this getting up early and spending time in the Word and writing about it is very important.

But today I am just crying to my creator for help. I beg you, Lord, to renew my mind and my spirit, that I may face this day, this very day and all that is waiting for me on my desk, with energy, dedication, and focus. Please Jesus give me an extra measure of concentration so I do not make mistakes, and help me to keep a positive attitude so I will show your light in the office. Help me, Lord, to do my work with excellence, so that I can see Your Will for me at this job. I know I have wanted to quit over and over, and many times it has been a knee jerk reaction to an extra measure of stress, so please Jesus clear my mind so I can know whether it is just stress again, or whether it is actually time to look for something else. Either way, God, I place myself in the palm of your hand, so that You may sustain, protect, and guide me. Teach me your good and perfect Will, o Lord. Amen.

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