March 4, 2010

How Long?

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. (Psalm 13)

I love the psalms of David because they often echo the cries of my own heart. Last night I had the occasion to spend some time with women in a group to which I belong, and it was a lovely time, except for the fact that I could only afford one drink. I really just do not have the money until I get my taxes back to do anything. At all. And here I am listening to them talk about buying outfits for $300 and going to restaurants and being on the board of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, and some of these people are still in their 20s. How on earth did I miss out on this? I left college with absolutely no debt whatsoever. And here I am scraping together the money to buy one $5 drink. I just wanted to weep.

Add that to the fact that I am so behind in my work at work that I actually cried at my boss yesterday. And she's so wrapped up in how she looks to her boss and the rest of the company that I don't think she really gets how much I actually do. Plus I am habitually hovering between 2-5 minutes late for work every day, which colors her perception of me too. Why am I always late? Partly because I just don't kick myself in the butt to show up. And partly because I've poured so much of myself into this job for the last 6 years that I've reached another plateau, where I need to get something back, darnit, and not just more projects to do and a boss who looks at the clock every time I breathe.

And when I went to the Minute Clinic to see if I had a sinus infection (which they couldn't even tell me for 4 more days) she said my blood pressure was so high she couldn't even suggest that I take over-the-counter congestion medication. What?? It's always been on the high side of normal, but how did this happen? Do you really seriously just fall completely to pieces the day you turn 30?

These and more are the thoughts that caused my heart to race last night, and then of course I worried because I have (apparently) high blood pressure. And very little money on my flex spending card for medication, which I'm currently using with my physical therapist for my back, whom I need to stop seeing soon if I'm going to have the money to get new contacts or go see the dentist.

So, how long, Lord? How long will this follow me and plague me in the night? How long will it steal my joy and my peace?

The really hard part is switching over to the last few sentences: but I will trust in you, Lord, for you are good to me. The voices of darkness have an answer to everything: I am fearfully and wonderfully made: yes, and see how much you messed it up. God has blessed me with finances when I need it: well then why do you always need him to bail you out? Why can't you get your act together? God has a plan for you: well good job because you're clearly getting in your own way--that's why you can't do anything right.

I need to find the way to ignore the thoughts in the dark places of my mind. To receive God's love for me and put my faith fully in him. But so far I've not been very successful. How long must this continue?

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